Mr Fake

                                                 

Location: The City

Duration: Overnight

Drinks: 5 double vodkas, 2 mojitos, 2 glasses of rosé (on an empty stomach)

Compatibility: 7

I am still seething about this 'date'..... I'm hoping Karma visits this guy sooner rather than later. 

About 4 weeks ago me and friend were introduced to Tinder. A superficial dating app that allows you to see eligible (I use this term very loosely...) men in your location and if you both 'like' each other a messaging option appears. My friend met a guy on here that she was messaging for about 3 weeks before they agreed to meet....to cut a long story short, Oz stood her up the first time (and when SHE contacted him, made some lame excuse about a relative being in hospital). She quite liked him so agonised for days over whether to contact him (I'm very much of the theory if a guy wants to speak to you, he will). Eventually she did and they arranged to meet that week. During this time,I had seen a picture of his mate and he of me and somehow it ended up that we were both joining as wingmen to make it a double date. 

I tend to go for the older guy, so when my friend told me this one was 26 I was a little sceptical but thought 'what's the harm'?! (I wish my future self could have screamed 'Don't do it!!!'- hindsight is a wonderful thing eh?!). Both of us made our way to a bar in Liverpool Street and started to drink ourselves into oblivion. At 7.30 (the time Oz was meant to be meeting her) he called to say he would be late...she got a similar call or text 3 more times until a call at 9.30 telling us to meet them where they were (excuse me?!) So convinced was I that she was as appalled as I was, I'd already started walking off to the bar to get us another drink, till I hear 'sure we'll be there soon' (sorry, what?!) I agreed on the premiss that I was there as support.....so, fast forward through the evening. They were both actually really funny and we ended up having a good night and both of us got some cheeky kisses throughout the evening with 'Joe' being very tactile.  However, I didn't have any intention of seeing 'Joe' again but my friend really liked Oz so the next day was eagerly awaiting contact. In the meantime however she did a little FB stalking (come on, who doesn't indulge every so often?!)......it turns out 'Joe' was Oz's little cousin called Liam who is happily attached to his hairdresser girlfriend. Someone really needs to let this girl know what her boyf gets up to with his cousin on Friday nights. I think I really need a blow dry at a certain salon in Essex........

Mr Keeno II

                                    

Location: Virtual

Duration: 9 Days

Drinks: 0

Compatibility: 8

I met Mark on a dating website again. We started a conversation via Whatsapp and I was upgraded (his word!) to iMessage....(gee thanks!) It was such a fast moving and intense conversation that I really should have clocked on that this guy was needy. Actually the conversation was really good....he was full of witty banter and we had a lot in common (OMG, finally a promising match!) As neither of us were free until the next week, we agreed to meet the following Thursday. We were both away the weekend before (separately I might add!) and I had text to let him him know that there was no reception where I was and that I would speak to him when I was back (considering we had been chatting for a mere 4 days prior to this, I thought this was just a courteous thing to do...no biggie right?) On the way home I received 13, yes 13, messages from him!! Ranging from, 'I hope you are having a lovely time' (sweet) to 'I miss you' (er, what?) and finally 'You'd love it here with my brother and his Mrs, can't wait to bring you here' (shut the front door mate, how do you even know what I'd like, you haven't met me yet!) naturally I was slightly worried by this. However, as I have previously mentioned, my bak catalogue of men are full of unsavoury w*nkers so thought I would at least give this guy a chance....whilst cringing I carried on the convo.....however, come Tuesday when he invited me out to his best mates birthday drinks stating 'It would be a good opportunity to meet everyone' (let me just remind you.... I HAVEN'T EVEN MET YOU YET LOVE!!!) I decided then at that point there wasn't a chance of a date let alone a future. I was a little scared that during our first date he may have also invited someone along to join us in holy matrimony.....

Bad Boys vs Nice Guys

A regular debate I have with my friends (married/attached/dating/single ) is around the love of a bad boy. I am guilty of my back catalogue of men containing 90% complete players. I am all about a passionate relationship, but someone very wise once said to me that 'with the highs come the lows'...so in order to experience that euphoric feeling of a passionate relationship you have to be prepared to also tolerate the downs of the emotional roller coaster. But some women don't look for this passion (the majority are the ones who currently settled with 2.4 children)...... They are content with their lot....A steady man who treats them nicely but doesn't rock their world. Is this settling? Or is this called growing up and realising that after the lust and passion leaves the relationship, all you are left with are the 'downs'.....? Is it then better to look for that man who doesn't give you excitement and passion, but also doesn't hurt you on purpose? The jury's still out.......

Mr Flashwipe

Location: Trendy bar

Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes

Drinks: 1 ½ drinks

Compatibility: 0/10

This was my second attempt at internet dating not long ago – I tried a site that my friend recommended as she had just met her boyfriend on there. I had finished with Mr Married and was determined to give my love life a fighting chance.

I arranged to meet Brad outside a station in London after work one Friday. As I emerged from the station expecting to see a vision suited and booted loveliness (I’m a sucker for a man in a suit…) Unfortunately, Brad didn’t get this memo and was lounging against the railings in baggy jeans and a multi-coloured beanie (oh I’m so pleased I made an effort for you). I internally chided myself for being so shallow (and figured dress sense is something that can always be changed further down the line…) and proceeded to follow him to the bar we were heading towards(cobblestone and stilettoes are not friends….I didn’t catch a lot of what he was saying as I was desperately attempting to stay upright!). I was surprisingly pleased with the choice of bar (mental note to come here again with the girls) and we decided to share a bottle of wine. I started the conversation with a fairly innocuous ‘So, how are you finding this whole online dating malarkey then?’…’to be honest, I’m a serial dater…I find this is a great way to meet a lot of girls’ (ummm…..and that’s your opener?!) Composing myself ‘I see, so you must have racked up a couple of funny stories then?’ (I’m thinking stuff like food fail, no show, looked like a troll etc). ‘Well yeah actually, there was this time where I was on a first date and we decided to go back to hers. I ended up shagging her and staying over’ (hang on, did he just tell me that 10 minutes into our date? Don’t quite know what the correct response to that is) I went with ‘okaaay’. So Brad proceeded, ‘halfway through the night, I really needed a sh*t’ (shut the f*cking door – is this guy for real??!!) and I tried to weigh up whether I could hold it until the morning. I really couldn’t, so I climbed over this bird trying not to wake her and went to the bathroom. (am I on candid camera here??) So, I did my business and looked around for toilet paper, but she was all out. The only thing I could find was Flashwipes….my @rsehole stung for a week afterwards’. I literally could not believe that I was on the receiving end of this story. Great tale for a night down the pub with the lads, not so great to tell a date within the first 30 minutes of meeting…..If that wasn’t bad enough, he then proceeded to tell me about a time he couldn’t get it up because he’d done too many drugs and how he likes to go clubbing starting on a Sunday morning and coming home on a Tuesday evening…

I have never actually ever before cut a date short by telling them to their face there wasn’t a future, however this time I had to. This story has brought many of friends to their knees with laughter….thanks guys, it looks like the laughs are on me again!

Treat 'em Mean, Keep 'em Keen

How true is this? Are some girls genetically wired to want the drama and heartache than a man who doesn’t treat them well? I know from my own experience there’s nothing I hate more than a man who is aloof, distant and selfish with his time……however I am also intensely attracted to these types of men. I am constantly saying that all I want is a lovely, nice caring guy who wants commitment and to settle down, yet as the last post proves, the minute someone like that comes along, I am instantly put off! Is it something you grown into – liking nice men? Or am I always going to want the roller-coaster of the ‘commitment phobes’? I have been told that I am a very passionate person and that I enjoy the highs that these types of men provide…but I then need to accept that after the highs come the lows. If I want a steady, balanced relationship that has no highs or lows, I need to head for the nice guys.

Mr Keeno

Location: Bars around London
Duration: 2 dates
Drinks: not enough
Compatibility: 6/10

I met Mr Keeno at a work leaving drinks. This was while I was still seeing Mr Married and was desperately trying to meet someone to get over him. Mich was a successful VP in my company and had an amazing smile. I had  great banter with him and his friend all evening and then when his friend left and shortly after I said I needed to go home, Mich said he would walk with me to the station (oooo butterflies!) As we reached the station, Mich asked if he could see me again – I obviously said yes and he asked when I was free. After telling hi that I was free on Sunday and Wednesday in the coming week, he said ‘Well, it has to be Sunday then doesn’t it’ (how exciting, someone who really wants to see me!) So I met up with Mich on Sunday in Central London. We went for a drink where he wanted to know aaaaallll about me (unwavering eye contact throughout). He then proceeded to say that he had told his family all about me and they couldn’t wait to meet me (sorry, what?! This is our first date!!! Back the f*ck up fella!)…I was obviously concerned at how fast he was going, but this having been my first time ever with a nice’ man, I figured I should keep an open mind – this might be what dating a non-w@nker was like! Date 1 finished off and he asked to see me again, to which I agreed. He said ‘well, you had said you were also free Wednesday, so how about then?’ (breathe breathe)…. ‘uh sure, let’s meet after work’. So, 3 days later, we went to a lovely roof top bar in London where we had quite a nice chat about family, friends and work. I had mentioned that my sister had just got engaged and I was busy helping her to organise the wedding. Mich then asked me if I would like to get married…’yeah definitely someday’ I replied. ‘I know exactly how I’m going to propose when I get married but I’m not telling you just in case’ he said with a knowing smile (in case what Mich? In case I decide after date 2 that I want to marry you???) I nervously laughed and he then said ‘oh, I’ve just thought of another way I could propose…wow, I should write a book!’ (You do that mate. And while you’re at it get the bill – I’m offsky)

Mr Married

Location: Everywhere
Duration: 2 years
Drinks: Too many to count
Compatibility 9/10

Ok, so I’m not proud to admit this one…but he was (and probably still is sadly) the love of my life. I met him at work and getting together with him after one Christmas party was completely unexpected (on my part anyway – he later told me he’d been trying to get me for months…). It was at a time in my life where I had, had a couple of brief boyfriends who turned out to be wastes of space (1 got a 16 year old pregnant while we were together and the other a compulsive liar). So you could say I wasn’t in the best frame of mind when we got together. It was an exciting, passionate and all-consuming affair where I fell more and more in love with him while trying to convince myself and my friends that it was ‘just a bit of fun’. We had such amazing times and I cared for him deeply but I was the one who ended up breaking things off with him as I felt I couldn’t meet anyone else while my head and heart was still firmly with him. A year on it’s a lot better, however I still need to keep telling myself that what we had was perfect because it was a fantasy and a fantasy because it was perfect. Could I actually imagine my life if he left his wife for me? Constantly wondering where he was, checking his phone and emails and distrusting everything he told me – that’s no life. And sadly the one his wife is currently living (I’m not the first person he has had an affair with and will certainly not be the last). Affairs are soul destroying, strength zapping, empty relationships. There are a number of women out there who class themselves as ‘Serial Mistresses’. I don't know how they do it - I can honestly say that I will never knowingly enter into a relationship with a married man again.