Mr Flashwipe

Location: Trendy bar

Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes

Drinks: 1 ½ drinks

Compatibility: 0/10

This was my second attempt at internet dating not long ago – I tried a site that my friend recommended as she had just met her boyfriend on there. I had finished with Mr Married and was determined to give my love life a fighting chance.

I arranged to meet Brad outside a station in London after work one Friday. As I emerged from the station expecting to see a vision suited and booted loveliness (I’m a sucker for a man in a suit…) Unfortunately, Brad didn’t get this memo and was lounging against the railings in baggy jeans and a multi-coloured beanie (oh I’m so pleased I made an effort for you). I internally chided myself for being so shallow (and figured dress sense is something that can always be changed further down the line…) and proceeded to follow him to the bar we were heading towards(cobblestone and stilettoes are not friends….I didn’t catch a lot of what he was saying as I was desperately attempting to stay upright!). I was surprisingly pleased with the choice of bar (mental note to come here again with the girls) and we decided to share a bottle of wine. I started the conversation with a fairly innocuous ‘So, how are you finding this whole online dating malarkey then?’…’to be honest, I’m a serial dater…I find this is a great way to meet a lot of girls’ (ummm…..and that’s your opener?!) Composing myself ‘I see, so you must have racked up a couple of funny stories then?’ (I’m thinking stuff like food fail, no show, looked like a troll etc). ‘Well yeah actually, there was this time where I was on a first date and we decided to go back to hers. I ended up shagging her and staying over’ (hang on, did he just tell me that 10 minutes into our date? Don’t quite know what the correct response to that is) I went with ‘okaaay’. So Brad proceeded, ‘halfway through the night, I really needed a sh*t’ (shut the f*cking door – is this guy for real??!!) and I tried to weigh up whether I could hold it until the morning. I really couldn’t, so I climbed over this bird trying not to wake her and went to the bathroom. (am I on candid camera here??) So, I did my business and looked around for toilet paper, but she was all out. The only thing I could find was Flashwipes….my @rsehole stung for a week afterwards’. I literally could not believe that I was on the receiving end of this story. Great tale for a night down the pub with the lads, not so great to tell a date within the first 30 minutes of meeting…..If that wasn’t bad enough, he then proceeded to tell me about a time he couldn’t get it up because he’d done too many drugs and how he likes to go clubbing starting on a Sunday morning and coming home on a Tuesday evening…

I have never actually ever before cut a date short by telling them to their face there wasn’t a future, however this time I had to. This story has brought many of friends to their knees with laughter….thanks guys, it looks like the laughs are on me again!