Mr Flashwipe

Location: Trendy bar

Duration: 1 hour 30 minutes

Drinks: 1 ½ drinks

Compatibility: 0/10

This was my second attempt at internet dating not long ago – I tried a site that my friend recommended as she had just met her boyfriend on there. I had finished with Mr Married and was determined to give my love life a fighting chance.

I arranged to meet Brad outside a station in London after work one Friday. As I emerged from the station expecting to see a vision suited and booted loveliness (I’m a sucker for a man in a suit…) Unfortunately, Brad didn’t get this memo and was lounging against the railings in baggy jeans and a multi-coloured beanie (oh I’m so pleased I made an effort for you). I internally chided myself for being so shallow (and figured dress sense is something that can always be changed further down the line…) and proceeded to follow him to the bar we were heading towards(cobblestone and stilettoes are not friends….I didn’t catch a lot of what he was saying as I was desperately attempting to stay upright!). I was surprisingly pleased with the choice of bar (mental note to come here again with the girls) and we decided to share a bottle of wine. I started the conversation with a fairly innocuous ‘So, how are you finding this whole online dating malarkey then?’…’to be honest, I’m a serial dater…I find this is a great way to meet a lot of girls’ (ummm…..and that’s your opener?!) Composing myself ‘I see, so you must have racked up a couple of funny stories then?’ (I’m thinking stuff like food fail, no show, looked like a troll etc). ‘Well yeah actually, there was this time where I was on a first date and we decided to go back to hers. I ended up shagging her and staying over’ (hang on, did he just tell me that 10 minutes into our date? Don’t quite know what the correct response to that is) I went with ‘okaaay’. So Brad proceeded, ‘halfway through the night, I really needed a sh*t’ (shut the f*cking door – is this guy for real??!!) and I tried to weigh up whether I could hold it until the morning. I really couldn’t, so I climbed over this bird trying not to wake her and went to the bathroom. (am I on candid camera here??) So, I did my business and looked around for toilet paper, but she was all out. The only thing I could find was Flashwipes….my @rsehole stung for a week afterwards’. I literally could not believe that I was on the receiving end of this story. Great tale for a night down the pub with the lads, not so great to tell a date within the first 30 minutes of meeting…..If that wasn’t bad enough, he then proceeded to tell me about a time he couldn’t get it up because he’d done too many drugs and how he likes to go clubbing starting on a Sunday morning and coming home on a Tuesday evening…

I have never actually ever before cut a date short by telling them to their face there wasn’t a future, however this time I had to. This story has brought many of friends to their knees with laughter….thanks guys, it looks like the laughs are on me again!

Treat 'em Mean, Keep 'em Keen

How true is this? Are some girls genetically wired to want the drama and heartache than a man who doesn’t treat them well? I know from my own experience there’s nothing I hate more than a man who is aloof, distant and selfish with his time……however I am also intensely attracted to these types of men. I am constantly saying that all I want is a lovely, nice caring guy who wants commitment and to settle down, yet as the last post proves, the minute someone like that comes along, I am instantly put off! Is it something you grown into – liking nice men? Or am I always going to want the roller-coaster of the ‘commitment phobes’? I have been told that I am a very passionate person and that I enjoy the highs that these types of men provide…but I then need to accept that after the highs come the lows. If I want a steady, balanced relationship that has no highs or lows, I need to head for the nice guys.

Mr Keeno

Location: Bars around London
Duration: 2 dates
Drinks: not enough
Compatibility: 6/10

I met Mr Keeno at a work leaving drinks. This was while I was still seeing Mr Married and was desperately trying to meet someone to get over him. Mich was a successful VP in my company and had an amazing smile. I had  great banter with him and his friend all evening and then when his friend left and shortly after I said I needed to go home, Mich said he would walk with me to the station (oooo butterflies!) As we reached the station, Mich asked if he could see me again – I obviously said yes and he asked when I was free. After telling hi that I was free on Sunday and Wednesday in the coming week, he said ‘Well, it has to be Sunday then doesn’t it’ (how exciting, someone who really wants to see me!) So I met up with Mich on Sunday in Central London. We went for a drink where he wanted to know aaaaallll about me (unwavering eye contact throughout). He then proceeded to say that he had told his family all about me and they couldn’t wait to meet me (sorry, what?! This is our first date!!! Back the f*ck up fella!)…I was obviously concerned at how fast he was going, but this having been my first time ever with a nice’ man, I figured I should keep an open mind – this might be what dating a non-w@nker was like! Date 1 finished off and he asked to see me again, to which I agreed. He said ‘well, you had said you were also free Wednesday, so how about then?’ (breathe breathe)…. ‘uh sure, let’s meet after work’. So, 3 days later, we went to a lovely roof top bar in London where we had quite a nice chat about family, friends and work. I had mentioned that my sister had just got engaged and I was busy helping her to organise the wedding. Mich then asked me if I would like to get married…’yeah definitely someday’ I replied. ‘I know exactly how I’m going to propose when I get married but I’m not telling you just in case’ he said with a knowing smile (in case what Mich? In case I decide after date 2 that I want to marry you???) I nervously laughed and he then said ‘oh, I’ve just thought of another way I could propose…wow, I should write a book!’ (You do that mate. And while you’re at it get the bill – I’m offsky)

Mr Married

Location: Everywhere
Duration: 2 years
Drinks: Too many to count
Compatibility 9/10

Ok, so I’m not proud to admit this one…but he was (and probably still is sadly) the love of my life. I met him at work and getting together with him after one Christmas party was completely unexpected (on my part anyway – he later told me he’d been trying to get me for months…). It was at a time in my life where I had, had a couple of brief boyfriends who turned out to be wastes of space (1 got a 16 year old pregnant while we were together and the other a compulsive liar). So you could say I wasn’t in the best frame of mind when we got together. It was an exciting, passionate and all-consuming affair where I fell more and more in love with him while trying to convince myself and my friends that it was ‘just a bit of fun’. We had such amazing times and I cared for him deeply but I was the one who ended up breaking things off with him as I felt I couldn’t meet anyone else while my head and heart was still firmly with him. A year on it’s a lot better, however I still need to keep telling myself that what we had was perfect because it was a fantasy and a fantasy because it was perfect. Could I actually imagine my life if he left his wife for me? Constantly wondering where he was, checking his phone and emails and distrusting everything he told me – that’s no life. And sadly the one his wife is currently living (I’m not the first person he has had an affair with and will certainly not be the last). Affairs are soul destroying, strength zapping, empty relationships. There are a number of women out there who class themselves as ‘Serial Mistresses’. I don't know how they do it - I can honestly say that I will never knowingly enter into a relationship with a married man again.

Mr Catfish

Location: Chain Bar
Duration: 55 minutes
Drinks: 2
Compatibility: 2/10

I don’t know if any of you have seen the American programme Catfish? Where unsuspecting individuals are in contact with someone online who they think is one thing, but actually turn out to be the complete opposite (Take one episode where an attractive lady had been messaging a fit college male football player for 1 year – they finally meet and it turns out that she has been sexting a 16 year old woman…#true) Date number 3 from the online world could have been on this programme…..

His profile had him at 5’8 (ok, shorter than I would normally go for, but why not) with an athletic figure; the black and white arty shot showing a man who was chiselled and quite cute. We met in central London after work one evening in the Summer. I was wearing sensible work heels  - around 3 inches (this is relevant later) which put me at around 5’3” tall (I’m a short@rse I know!)….I was standing on the steps of the Royal Exchange waiting for Neil, absentmindedly playing with my phone. Around 5 minutes after I happened to look up and see a short, ginger man with severe blonde highlights sporting ankle swinging trousers and Chelsea boots heading in my direction. I looked back down at the phone, clearly this man was walking towards someone standing behind me……oh no he wasn’t. ‘Hi I’m Neil’….oh dear god, is this for real?  As Neil came to stand next to me, it became apparent that whilst wearing my heels, I was taller than him…..I couldn’t just leave so I had to actually go through with this date. We walked off to the nearest bar looking like 2 oompa loompas searching for Willy Wonka. Not only was there a complete disconnect between how he had described himself and reality – he was also a mean person (I put it down to little man syndrome).
Moral of the story – don’t go for guys with just 1 profile picture…especially if that one picture is in black and white.

Why are you still single?

If I had a pound for every time someone asked me that question, I would be a very rich lady (and probably would be able to just buy myself a boyfriend…hmmm, that makes me sound a little seedy...). But I’m not sure what answer these people are expecting?? Because if I knew the reason….. I WOULDN’T STILL BE SINGLE!!! 'My mum thinks you are so pretty'.....(great thanks, well if I ever decide to start dating married women, I'll give her a call...)

Mr 'I'm so over her...honest'

Location: Local pub
Length of date: 3 hours
Number of drinks: 4
Compatibility rating: 7/10
My second experience of online dating came about not too long after I’d said goodbye to Mr Dull….
Rich and I had been messaging for a while before arranging to meet locally. He seemed funny and self-deprecating, whilst at the same time confident and charming. (omg…could I be onto a winner?!) The only thing left was to see if the ‘spark’ was there (important thing the ‘spark’….for me it’s a need to have rather than a nice to have)…..
Rich arrived for our date in the pub down the road looking really alright (my excitement levels were increasing by this point). We got our drinks and sat down where the first 10 minutes was spent over trivial chit chat (good day? Yeah, yours? Get here alright? Etc…you get the drift). We then somehow got onto the conversation of exes (don’t ask me how, but looking back at the direction the date took, I can only assume Rich led it there!)…I commented I had been single for around a year and had just started internet dating; I didn’t really speak to any of my exes but no hard feelings etc. Rich then began telling me about his ‘recent’ ex who he still messaged and called but she had just moved in with a new partner (he even messaged her that day to say how he was so not bothered that she had moved on – yeah, seems that way mate!) He said that he was completely over her and that the fact that he is able to talk about her so calmly and rationally must show that (ummm….the fact that you have spent the last 40 minutes telling me about her definitely does NOT show that) ‘Don’t worry, break ups are always hard in the short term, they do say time’s a healer…when did you two break up?’…’oh 3 years ago’….(um sorry, what?!) At this point I realised that my potential Mr Perfect was still pining over his Miss Perfect and that this date was doomed….however he didn’t actually stop talking and there was no appropriate break in the conversation for me to make my excuses and leave….so I ended up sitting there nodding away with a glazed look for another hour until he said ‘so, shall we go for dinner now?’ (wtf?!) ‘Um sorry Rich, I have a condition whereby I can’t eat food after 10pm – must dash!’ (Note to self – learn how to successfully extricate yourself from dates….)

Mr Dull

Location: Coffee shop
Length of date: 40 minutes
Number of drinks: ½
Compatibility rating: 2/10

A few years ago two friends and I decided to give online dating a go (my first foray into this ‘relatively new and exciting at the time’ world). We settled on a site that let us write each other’s profiles, so as to spare some of the cringe worthy ‘selling’ of ourselves. My first message was from a guy called Adrian who was a 27 year old lawyer in the city (oooo…that sounds exciting! Maybe we’ll have conversations into the night around criminal trials he is working on and as he is so clever and successful, long discussions over current affairs, our pasts and hopes and dreams).
I arranged to meet him in a neighbouring town one Sunday afternoon. First impressions were good and I was almost excited to sit down somewhere and get chatting. He chose a chain coffee chop and we ordered our drinks and went to get settled. Now, I don’t know if you can tell, but I am a fan of talking (I do it, A LOT!) so I find it relatively easy to keep a conversation flowing. This occasion, however, proved to be the one and only time that I failed. Adrian just could not sustain a dialogue! I get that nerves play a part in a first date, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while and really tried…‘So Adrian, what is it exactly you do?’ ‘Um, it’s really quite boring, you don’t want to know’ (no please, really I do!) ‘go on, I’d love to know’….’well, I practice Corporate law’…. (ah, so there goes my fantasy of conversations about fascinating criminal trials…Corporate law is LITERALLY the most boring type you can practice). Okaaay…..so this is excruciating but I persevere….’Tell me about what you enjoy doing (open questions, remember to always use open questions)....’I don’t really get time to do anything’ came the answer. Well by this point I was bored beyond words and truly embarrassed as to the progress of this date. He must have completely felt it to, so I thought the most honourable thing to do was to lie about ‘tons of work’ and get the hell out of there.

I got home and mentally crossed him off the list, not bothering to make contact as I figured he got the same vibe as me and would chalk our date up to experience and move onto the next. Clearly I must have made an impression (or he was just completely deluded) as I got a text from him shortly afterwards saying it seemed both of us enjoyed ourselves and that he’ love to meet up again…….I am sorry to admit that I pressed the delete button without replying.

How not to set up a friend

There are many people who have successfully been set up by their friends - I however am not one of them. And i don't think I am alone in the scenario I have experienced. When my friend wanted to set me up with Mr Roger Red Hat, I asked the usual questions of age/looks/height/personality…..she simply answered 'you should meet him'. 'Well, do we suit each other?' to which she replied, 'He's the only single person I know'. Well, forgive me, but I'm not convinced that is the basis of a relationship! It really frustrates me when (usually happily attached) friends set up 2 single people....the only thing they have in common being that they are both single. Never mind that one is an avid Trekkie fan and the other a Towie fan....you must be suited as you both have the audacity to be still be single! Come on guys, you have known me a long time, please put some thought into the person you are making me spend time with!!

Mr Roger Red Hat

Location: Pub

Length of Date: 2 hours 30 mins

Number of Drinks: 3

Compatibility Rating: 5/10

I have always been resolutely against blind dates. I mean you wouldn't test drive a car without having at least seen it - so why would you go and meet a potential partner without viewing the goods?! (I am aware that I may sound slightly superficial here....my flatmate certainly thinks so!) And in the days of Facebook/Twitter/Instagram etc, I really see no need for anyone to meet completely blind.

However, this date occured prior to the social network era (this makes me sound extermely old, however it was actually only about 5 years ago!). My friend decided that she would set me up with someone that worked in her office. Being youngish and newly single, I was naive to the dating game and happy to give it a go. We met in a local pub and from the outset I got the impression we weren't particularly suited. But still, I was determined to keep an open mind, so we got our drinks (a LARGE glass of wine please) and sat down to 'get to know each other'. Having told him that I was a primary school teacher, his first comment was 'Oh, so you must know all about Roger Red Hat?!' (He was unusually excited by this prospect....I was a little worried, what with him being a 25 year old man.....) I had never heard of Roger Red Hat....but given that it was a reading series that stopped being used by primary schools in the 1980s, I wasn't overly harsh on myself. However Mr Roger Red Hat (as my blind date is now known as) did know ALL about the series....knowledge which he proceeded to impart throughout the whole date - which was only about 2 hours, but 2 hours I will never ever get back........However, if anybody needs any information about Roger Red Hat, Billy Blue Hat, Johnny and Jennifer Yellow Hat or Percy Green Hat, then I'm now well versed in the topic! Little did I know that 5 years later, this would be classed as a relatively normal date........